


anything you need, that's what i'll be

by empathyvevo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Possession, Bodily Autonomy, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Food Issues, M/M, Post-Episode: s09e11 First Born, Season/Series 09, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 18:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18644074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empathyvevo/pseuds/empathyvevo
Summary: There is a strange discomfort in healing Sam in the days that follow Dean’s departure.





	anything you need, that's what i'll be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thesunwillshineclear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunwillshineclear/gifts).



> 1\. First things first:
> 
> Go shout happy birthday @sealionsam on tumblr if you're seeing this fic the day that it's posted. Lauren, you've been such a wonderful, great friend to get to know in the last little while. I have so much fun talking to you, and you're so kind and funny and talented! I genuinely love your art; I've not yet taken off that Sam x Jess art you made for my prompt as my phone background; that's how much I love it. Thank you for being so wonderful and lovely. I hope you have the amazing birthday that you deserve, filled with kindness and love. Happy birthday!!!!!!!!! <33
> 
> 2\. Please heed the tags, friends, and take care of yourself! There are some food issues wherein Sam's not eating, but nothing terribly graphic. However, it doesn't get resolved within the story. The dissociation is definitely there, but I'm not sure how triggering it is, and the self-harm is mostly an accident on Sam's part, due to the dissociation. (It's nothing too extreme or graphic; he runs his hands under hot water for too long.) Even still, please don't feel pressured to read if you think it will be triggering for you! <3
> 
> 3\. The Sastiel situation, as imagined in my head, in this fic is that they have a somewhat-established relationship, but hadn't been dating for long before the Gadreel situation was revealed. As such, things are a little tentative, and right now, Castiel is trying to be Sam's friend every bit as much as his boyfriend.
> 
> 4\. Are the lyrics functioning as a title from a Disney channel song? No. No, absolutely not.  
> ....Fine. Yes. It's called "You Can Come to Me" and it's from Austin and Ally. What can I say, it felt appropriate.
> 
> That should be all! I hope you enjoy!

There is a strange discomfort in healing Sam in the days that follow Dean’s departure.

Sam allows it that first night, on the bridge, no doubt because the pain was too much to bear, but for days after, he flinches at the touch. Castiel asks every time (more than once, even), and Sam doesn’t ever decline, but nonetheless it is hard to see the apprehension in his love's eyes, the tension in his shoulders. It’s hard, but he does it, because Sam needs to continue healing, and he agrees. If he didn’t agree, Castiel would stop. If he had any doubt in his mind about that before, it’s gone now.

Harder to bear, though, than the tense healing sessions, is the knowledge that he cannot heal Sam in all the ways that matter. He can revive his body little by little, make him physically well again, but he cannot return a smile to his expression or find for him that joy that he seemed to have, for a time.

It’s been a little better, Castiel thinks, since they extracted Gadreel’s remaining grace from Sam. It hasn’t been perfect —things are much quieter without Dean around, and Cas doesn’t think he’s seen Sam touch anything even remotely edible since he swiped his finger through his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich—but it had seemed like they were improving. Which it’s why it’s so surprising to find—

“Sam. What are you doing?” Castiel asks, though he’s quickly absorbing the visual information laid in front of him. Sam, at the kitchen sink, eyes out of focus. Hands nearly red. “You’re hurting yourself.”

Sam blinks. “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

Castiel sighs, and walks a little closer. “You don’t have to be sorry, Sam. But the water’s too hot. Can you stop?”

“I don’t remember… I can’t… they won’t move.”

“You can move them, Sam. It’s alright.”

“No, I don’t—I can’t—help?” he tries, the words not coming easily to him. For the first time, he shifts his eyes over to where Castiel himself is; not even catching his eyes, but clearly searching, though his gaze half-empty and half-panic. Castiel inches closer and hovers a hand over Sam’s shoulder before remembering:

“Sam. May I touch you?”

“I don’t. Please?” he gives a shaky jerk of his head that Castiel supposes it’s meant to be a nod, and Cas takes that for confirmation as he places one hand over Sam’s shoulder and uses the other to pry his hands from under the spray, one by one. Cas turns the faucet handle to its original position and lets Sam sink more of his weight into his side.

“You should get some rest,” Castiel decides, because he doesn’t know what else to do. They walk to Sam’s bedroom the normal way, only with Sam hanging onto Cas like a lifeline, because it’s not far and because Castiel doesn’t think Sam would like the other way much right now.

Castiel gets Sam settled on the bed. “Are you okay?”

“I think? Feel weird,” Sam says, letting his head fall back against his headboard.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m going to get you some food, alright? You should eat before you rest.”

“Not, no, I don’t want,” Sam tries, but he can’t make the words come out the way he wants them to, even now.

Castiel stills on the way to the door and turns back to Sam. “You haven’t eaten.”

“Molecules.” Sam looks so still like this, back arched and legs extended and head on the board. Eyes closed like he can’t stand the sight of the world around him, can’t quite buy into the idea that it’s real.

“What?”

“You said Molecules. About food.”

“Sam, you need to eat something, please—”

“I don’t taste the molecules, I don’t think, I don’t know what molecules would taste like, but I don’t really taste the taste either? Like, Cas, the food is all wrong, it’s bad, it’s dirty, it makes me—it’s more of what I am, Cas, I don’t want it, it’s bad and it’s. How would I know?”

“Sam, I don’t understan—”

“How would I know that it was me?”

Castiel understands, now. Can see it in the rigidity of Sam’s body language, hear it in the frantic, nonsensical way he is speaking. “Sam. It’s you. It’s okay. It’s you. It will be you when you eat, and you when sleep, and you when you wake up. No one else.”

It feels almost cruel to make that like it’s a promise that he can keep for sure, considering everything, but right now he thinks it’s what Sam needs and he wants to give Sam whatever it is that he needs.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I have to—”

“No, Cas, please. Can. I need. Could you,” Sam inhales a deep breath like it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to say and then, “Please stay. Please.”

Oh. That’s—this is not something they’ve ever done before, sharing a bed, not yet, but Castiel can’t think about what that means or what exactly their relationship is right now. Sam needs  _ him _ . Anything else can come when Sam is in a better state of mind.

“Of course. Of course, Sam,” he says, like it’s easy. It is.

Castiel sheds his coat and makes quick work of untying his shoes before peeling them off. He climbs into the bed on the side that Sam is not on, carefully to not touch, not unless Sam asks. They lie there for a while, unmoving, not touching, until there’s a shift in the bed and Sam looks at the space between them like it’s too much.

“Can I hold you?” Cas asks, because it’s all he can think to do and because he wants to, he wants to hold Sam  _ so _ badly and Sam—falls, graceless, onto his shoulder, and heaves out long sobs, his whole body shaking with them.

Castiel knows he says things, words of solace, but he doesn’t think they matter too much or that Sam is taking much of it in. He’s beginning to realize that what Sam needs from Cas is  _ present _ . He needs  _ here. _ The rest of it will take time, but this—this Castiel can be. Being with Sam is the most natural thing in the world, and if that’s what he needs, what he wants, what he asks for—Cas will  _ always _ oblige. A fixed structure, solid and breathing and real and  _ with _ Sam every time he comes close to crumbling. This he can be for his love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! And @Lauren, I hope this was okay! Again; happy birthday! <33333 Catch me @cagetraumasam on tumblr.


End file.
